Feelings
by summonershion69
Summary: Shion deals with her feeling of guilt as she prepares to face the future and realize the meaning behind her life...episode III spoilers...not really but as a precaution...


Disclaimer: More ramblings on my part in an attempt to deal with my feeling in a non painful way...this probably won't make sense to anyone but me because im stupid and idealistic...these are more my feeling than anything...i feel some things need to be said...

Me: Ignore the disclaimer...I dont know how to express feeling...

Taco: Stop now Shion before they take away your license to be a summoner...

Me: Only Shion can be a summoner! And I'm going to one day summon the final aeon and end all the wars so people can live in peace thats all I want...

Taco: Hey I'm not going to be your fayth...

Me: Don't worry the gnosis are Shion's final aeon!

Taco: Those bastards stole Shion entire character from you, I only acknowledge the existence of one Shion.

Me: I'm going to start accepting my own exixtence too...I don't want to turn in to a knosis...

Taco: Is a knosis different than a gnosis...

Me: Is a knife different than a gnife...

Taco: Gnifes! I love those...I have 69 right next to my pinecone collection...

Me: Are you different than a taco?

Taco: Shut up Shion while you still have some of your s-m-r-t left...speaking of s-m-r-t why don't you go do your summer homework...

Me: In my dreams!

Taco: Actually even in your dreams you didn't have it done and you failed...

Me: Damnit! Everythings out to get me!

Taco: Thats why you have me your faithful guardian! (jumps upon my shoulder)

Me: If your still reading well you probably figured out that was an attempt to stop you from actually reading the story...but if you really want to...carry on...And remeber the ruins of Zanarkind will be waiting!

* * *

It's kind of ironic. When I starting thinking about it, I can almost find it amusing in a pathetic sadistic way. It's everything to us. Life. Death. Both hang in its cruel merciless hands. When it's inside of us, it keeps our bodies in balance and allows us our very lives, but lose too much and it's all over. What a cruel, sick trick to play on us. I hate it. I'd just assume stab myself a thousand times to purge my body of every drop of it. I'd take pleasure in watching it flow from my veins like a clear tranquil river passing through a clearing in the woods. At least then, I'd be free of its bloody curse, but I'm a coward. I couldn't even bear to look at it. I couldn't endure the pain as my body purged itself of the impurity. Our bodies don't even want it. The moment it gets the slightest chance, it escapes. Nevertheless, we need this plague inside ourselves to live. We produce it naturally. Nothing about it sounds natural to me. To me it's evil. It's red for a reason a mark of its twisted power just like fire and the sky before a storm. It took everyone I loved away from me. It's a murder. It should be burned at the stake instead of being reproduced in every human being born. I held that horrid liquid in my small hands. I watched with my innocent eyes as it dripped from my trembling hands and formed a lake below me. It was then I received these scars. I'm doing myself a favor slicing deep into my flesh to eradicate it from my system. I won't be a slave to her murder.

Then again, I'm no different. I'm an abomination. We all are. We call ourselves heroes. Take a life save a life, its all in a days work. Who were we to bring judgment upon those poor damned souls? They were just fulfilling their duty probably working hard to bring money back to their families. Then we come along with our weapons drawn and the belief that they are evil and we are the heroes out to help to find the truth and make the world a better place, but we're dead wrong. In fact, anyone who willing throws themselves into combat and takes the life of another is evil and deserves to be punished. In the heat of battle, I doubt any of us think about our victims, the life they left behind and the people they'll never see again. Everyone's to busy ensuring their own survival to care about others. What if they had children who swore vengeance against their murders? The same as all of us did. Then wouldn't they be the heroes leaving us the villains. Perhaps we all have evil cultivating in our hearts waiting for the opportunity to consume our pitiful minds. Then all that's left is to wait for someone good to come and destroy us freeing us from the darkness, but then they'd be the murders. It's an endless cycle, which sucks our consciousness inside dooming us all. Is that what our world no our species has been reduced to? A bunch of mindless drones that wave their guns at shadows and if that's not enough we create life forms whose single purpose is to kill. Anyone who would give a weapon a consciousness is sick or maybe we are all weapons being controlled by some unseen force in some master plan. Is that really all I am? I thought if I fought those who stood in my way who threatened my friends I'd be happy that I would never have a single regret, but regret and guilt were all I'm left with. I believed with all my heart that I'd be able to live with those I loved those who fought besides me for a brighter future in peace, but that is the biggest lie of them all. I might have known it all along, but I made myself believe it. It was the only thing that kept me going. The only way I could get up in the morning, go off, and fight the bad guys. I'll never be as happy as I was during that time we all fought together. There are so many places I'll never be able to return to for the simple reason that too many painful memories are tied to them. Even though the fighting is over, I can never live in peace not even with the man I love. I'll never be able to smile knowing those I loved more than anything had to die and for what purpose.

I know now that I must find that purpose. I have to find the reason. I have to see with my own eyes why humans have to suffer. Maybe if I know why I can work things out in my mind and find some clarity. If I know, the truth no, if we all knew the truth then there would be hope. A small hope that we as humans aren't created to kill and be killed. We cannot truly save ourselves by simply killing are enemies. That is the easy way, but life isn't easy nor will it always be happy. There is no such thing as good and evil. Those are just names, masks we hide behind to save ourselves the trouble of getting to know people and their feeling. It's a lot easier to kill someone who you consider evil than if they actually have a face. We all have to except the truth before our eyes and in that truth we will find our answers. We cannot reject the world and its dreams. That is our biggest mistake. Only we can create the future. There's a shard of humanity's future in each of us. If we all keep that shard close to our heart that will be, humanity's guiding light. There is no one hero in the world who can single-handed save everyone or one evil being who can destroy everything, as we know it. We are all born with the will to create and the will to destroy and it's up to each of us as humans to step forward and realize this dream. I believe that humans have both good and evil within us and that clash is why we are so destructive. Therefore, it must be impossible for anyone to be evil. I know that given the choice people will be good. The key to saving humanity is to stop the problem at the source to go to the beginning of the eternal cycle and end it there. That may just be a futile ideal created in my mind, but I want to hold it in my heart as truth. This is why I have to go back there to the place where everything began. I understand I'll be hurting people, but I hope they'll except that this is what I have to do. I won't be saving humanity, but I'll be saving myself and hopefully others will follow so we can all create a world where everyone has a place and no one will be rejected. I feel that is the true meaning behind my journey and all my battles and maybe just maybe my whole life.

* * *

Okay I'm offically done! Once again flame me if you want I have my fire armor equipped and I junctioned fire magic so I'll be fine...

Taco: You don't ever shut up do you?

Me: I was going to until you came back...

Taco: Just buy Xenosaga III in 18 days...

Me: (nods) I'm going to have to junction fire magic to my ps2 so chaos's hawtness doesn't melt it...

Taco: Lets not start this again...

Me: Only shion can Score!


End file.
